July 12, 2001: Perks, Rich

Vol. 9.3

hi kids: after four visits to this place I guess you get some perks. This morning they announced to me that they were moving me to a private room for the rest of my stay.

This is, I've determined, a mixed blessing. As I enter the second half of this treatment--the half that brings fatigue, loss of appetite and general dis-ease--it certainly is a good thing to not have to share a room with anyone; to not have to wonder if your hourly late night bathroom breaks are bothering anyone, to not think about whether your tv is too loud, your light is too bright, your phone calls are bothering them, etc. Plus, it's just good to be alone sometimes, especially when you feel lousy.

But there's something sad about it too... yesterday my roomate (they revolve them on me) was a young guy named Rich, late 20s, who was in getting ready to go into detox. The day before he had nearly killed himself drinking (his BAL was.48--and the legal limit is .08) and they were trying to hydrate him and get him over the damages he'd done to himself. We had the chance to talk a fair amount about his need to get clean--and to save his marriage (and four year old daughter). It was truly moving to talk about our shared commonalities as well, despite the very different natures of our diseases--our need to get centered spiritually, to have a group of friends we can trust, tell the truth to, cry with, be weak around and count on to tell the truth back to us and pray for us, and our gratitude for those who love us--especially our patient wives. And I had a chance to talk to him about my own struggle to find and cling to grace through this ordeal--and my confidence in God's ability to keep us, regardless of everything else we face or fear. As I felt my body weakening as the chemo took effect, I became very aware that God chooses the weak and the broken to share his kindness.

I guess it just reminded me again in a very specific way that despite the fact that this period in my life has to be about me--one friend keeps reminding me that self-centeredness is necessary right now--it cannot and can never ONLY be about me. Even in all of this, there is a chance to share grace.

Now that I'm alone, I don't get to have that kind of immediate contact for the rest of this treatment. Like I said, it may be a blessing, but regardless, I ask you to add Rich to the list of "nameless" and "voiceless" we've been talking about from so early on in these updates, and to pray with me that God will find small ways to make this crappy season in my life a blessing for those I bump into on the way.

Love to you all from sunny Paoli.

Dwight

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